<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>Shut Up And Love Me by ValkyrieNine</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25860865">Shut Up And Love Me</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/ValkyrieNine/pseuds/ValkyrieNine'>ValkyrieNine</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>GLOW [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>GLOW (TV 2017)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst and Romance, Awkward Romance, Camping, Canon Dialogue, Complete, Debbie's Inner Monologue, Debbie's POV, Declarations Of Love, Desert, Dialogue Re-Write, Episode Fix-it, Episode Related, Eventual Romance, F/F, Fluff and Humor, Friendship/Love, Idiots in Love, If Ruth Loved Debbie Instead Of Sam, Love Confessions, Outward Bound, Sharing A Tent, True Love, fluff and snark</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 07:13:25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>7,575</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25860865</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/ValkyrieNine/pseuds/ValkyrieNine</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>This is an episode rewrite of 'Outward Bound' from Debbie's point of view. </p><p>Summary:<br/>Debbie awakens two days after the Freaky Tuesday match, ready to say goodbye to GLOW and life in Las Vegas. She goes on the camping trip to Red Rock Mountain planning on saying goodbye to Ruth and the other girls. Battling with her growing feelings, Debbie spends the day trying to tell Ruth what is on her mind. After a long day getting lost in the desert, Debbie and Ruth face the stark reality of their feelings in the cold desert night. When Debbie and Ruth are forced to share the same tent, there is no escape for Debbie. She lays it all on the line.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Debbie Eagan &amp; Ruth Wilder, Debbie Eagan/Ruth Wilder</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>GLOW [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1868626</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>26</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Shut Up And Love Me</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This story interlaces canon dialogue with Debbie's inner monologue and removes the Sam story line from the episode. This story is strictly from Debbie's POV.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Debbie awoke two days after the Freaky Tuesday match with a brutal hangover. Her stomach churned from the tequila, rum, and gin she consumed the night before, but it was her seething rage that sickened her most.</p><p>“Fucking Bash,” Debbie screamed, immediately regretting her volume. She held her head with both of her hands and bit her lip. “My head. What was I thinking? That fucking bartender is trying to kill me.”</p><p>The moment her eyes blinked open; a searing pain pierced her skull, an unfriendly reminder that mixing multiple types of cheap well alcohol was a sure-fire way to chemically self-flagellate. She hacked hard, laboring to catch her breath. Her coughing fit sent a debilitating pain through her head. It did not surprise Debbie that she could barely breathe. She burned through two packs of cigarettes the night before as she paced around her Fan Tan hotel room contemplating exactly how she would tell Bash to go fuck himself.</p><p>She could already hear voices and movement in the hallway. Her body tensed and she cringed with irritation.</p><p>“Shit! I forgot about the goddamn camping trip.”</p><p>Debbie Eagan was a woman of many talents. One of her greatest feats was her ability to cover up her pain, sickness, and anxiety from the rest of the world. She could always muster. Whether it was surviving the crushing pain of Ruth and Mark’s betrayal or choking back the sickness that was wreaking havoc on her insides, it did not matter. She would rise above it.</p><p>She would stand on her two feet, shower, possibly vomit, brush her teeth, slap on some makeup, and no one would know just how horrible she was feeling. Well, maybe one person would know. Ruth could always see through her facade. Even when she tried to push her away, Ruth could penetrate the fragile mask Debbie donned to fool others. Ruth’s betrayal weakened her superpower, but ever since their come-to-Jesus moment in the hospital, their connection had been undeniably warmer and more confusing.</p><p>Debbie thought very little of it at first. She found her mind wandering more to Ruth. When they were not together, she found herself distracted by thoughts of where she could be and what she was doing. She hoped it did not involve Sam and their weird May-December sexual tension. Debbie loathed Sam for several reasons these days, but it was especially irritating when Sam creeped around Ruth like a horny uncle. Theirs was an unsettling dynamic. Admittedly, her relationship with Ruth was complex, but they had a colorful history.</p><p>During the last week especially, Debbie had felt a strange affection brewing between them she thought was long dead. Even now, as she laid in bed, the stench of valet cologne permeating her senses, she could hear Ruth cheering her on to get out of bed and pull her shit together.</p><p>
  <em>Get your ass up. You are Debbie fucking Eagan. Get up and pull yourself together. Put on one of your fancy Gucci outfits and fake it until you make it. I need you.</em>
</p><p>Debbie would never admit it to another living soul, but when things were hardest the thought of Ruth speaking to her, needing her to stay strong, inspired a surprising amount of strength in her.</p><p>When they first met, Debbie felt a pull to know the mousy little mess. She wanted to spend time with her, to know her intimately, to hear her goofy laugh. She wanted to hug her with her entire body. She never hugged else anyone like that. Mark was a sweaty fat fuck who she half hugged, even when she convinced herself that she was in love with him. She loved Randy, but it would be many years before she could hug him with all her might. Her other friends were dicks, and her mother’s voice made her want to run for the hills. The actors, directors, and producers in her life were all fake and meaningless to her. None of them warranted the same affection Debbie wanted to give Ruth.</p><p>That did not mean that all her feelings for Ruth were good. She was not that delusional. They still had her moments. Angry, hurtful moments where Debbie would attack without provocation because Ruth could not see the truth. She would never forget what Ruth did, but her heart was healed. Now, Debbie used her aggression to deflect when her feelings for Ruth became too intense.</p><p>The one misconception she had allowed to stand with both Ruth and fat fuck Mark, was that the source of her pain was losing her husband. When she laid in bed at night and wept, it was not because she lost the sweaty, cheating piece of shit father of her son. It was because Ruth’s friendship meant more to her than she ever knew and she thought she lost it forever.</p><p>The last time they saw each other before she found out Ruth and Mark slept together, Debbie felt an ache to tell Ruth everything. She wanted to tell her just how fucking miserable she was. She wanted to confess that she missed her beyond words. They sat in the car together as Debbie drove her home, schlepping all the way from Pasadena in the middle of the night, and Debbie couldn’t seem to form the words, “You matter so much to me”. That was what she wanted to say, but instead, she just hugged her with her entire body and let her go.</p><p>
  <em>I need you.</em>
</p><p>Ruth’s voice called out to her in her head again.</p><p>“Fine. Stop nagging me,” Debbie said to herself. “I get it. I need you too. I just wish I didn’t have to leave you.”</p><p>***</p><p>
  <strong>"Gypsy", by Fleetwood Mac</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong> <a href="https://open.spotify.com/track/19Ym5Sg0YyOCa6ao21bdoG?si=wVHtfSD9QESW7y1BluBz9g">https://open.spotify.com/track/19Ym5Sg0YyOCa6ao21bdoG?si=0k7diZrJT4O2_yCDEKNVsw</a> </strong>
</p><p>Debbie spent the drive to Red Rock Canyon sitting in the back of Sheila’s Bronco thinking about what her life would be like when she returned to Pasadena. She closed her eyes and let the wind whip against her face. Debbie would be with Randy and her checks would continue to roll in, but she wondered what she would do next now that she would no longer live and breathe wrestling.</p><p>She wondered if she would ever get the same rush playing a character. Sure, Liberty Belle was getting a bit stale and performing the same lines night after night was getting boring, but she knew her next role would probably be some guest spot as an evil aunt or a deranged half-sister on a soap opera that wasn’t worth the price of the film. Maybe she would get a guest role on a big show as a secretary, or something equally pointless.</p><p>All she knew was no matter what she did, it would not be as exhilarating as walking out onto the stage as Zoya the Destroya and battling Ruth’s adorable Liberty Belle. The thought of Ruth in those pigtails and those tiny white bottoms made her smile. She hoped that no one else would notice the conflict she was struggling with. Thankfully, everyone read her conflict as resting bitch face, and no one dared pry.</p><p>***</p><p>When they arrived at Red Rock Mountain, Debbie’s heart sank. It occurred to her that this was it. This was the last time she would be with all the girls. This could very well be the last time she spent any real quality time with Ruth, and her heart ached with what she could only surmise was despair.</p><p>Debbie climbed out of the back of Sheila’s Bronco and unpacked the bags and gear from the back. The other women piled out of Melrose’s limo and Bash’s borrowed Porsche.</p><p>Ruth took in a deep cleansing breath.</p><p>“God, we could have been doing this every weekend.” Ruth turned to Debbie. “It’s so peaceful.”</p><p>
  <em>Look at that goofy grin. Why does that goofy grin make my heart flutter? Shit, I need to deflect.</em>
</p><p>Debbie looked around at the other women and suddenly, she felt very exposed.</p><p>“You know what else is peaceful? The spa at The Sands,” Debbie said, squinting the sun out of her eyes. Her tone was biting as usual.</p><p>Ruth shook Debbie’s comment off.</p><p>“Debbie, look around. Take in the natural beauty. This is our country. This is all ours. The mountains are calling, and I must go.”</p><p>
  <em>Oh, brother. Is she serious with this hippie dippy patriotic bullshit? But look at how excited she is. How can someone so annoying be so adorable? I just want to kiss her mouth, to shut her up. Did I just think that?</em>
</p><p>“What the fuck do you know about the mountains? You’re from the prairie.”</p><p>“We went camping all the time growing up.”</p><p>
  <em>I wish she wasn’t so cute when she was excited. I must remove myself from the situation now.</em>
</p><p>***</p><p>The women gathered and set up camp. Cherry approached Debbie as she finished setting up her green and yellow tent. Debbie stood back proudly surveying her work.</p><p>“So, did you tell Keith that you’re staying in Vegas for the rest of the year?” Debbie asked Cherry.</p><p>“Nope. Not yet. Shit, you’re really not helping people take their mind off of things.” Cherry gave Debbie a little smirk.</p><p>Debbie shrugged her shoulders and gave Cherry a cutesy grin.</p><p>“It’s part of my charm.”</p><p>“Alright, who’s gonna to be the bad guy, cuz um Tammé, she can’t grin and bear it for nine months,” Cherry said, casually motioning her head in Tammé’s direction.</p><p>Debbie looked back at Tammé.</p><p>
  <em>Fuck. Time for me to look like an asshole. Bash can take all the fucking credit for the good stuff, but I’m the one left holding the bag when everything goes to shit. Fucking fuck face shit head Bash.</em>
</p><p>“So, we benched her.”</p><p>“Til when?” Cherry asked, already irritated.</p><p>Debbie gave Cherry a telling nod.</p><p>Cherry just scoffed. “Alright, guess I’m the bad guy. Got it.”</p><p>
  <em>This isn’t my show anymore. Maybe that prick Bash should tell her. Oh wait, he’s just going to have another woman do his job.</em>
</p><p>Debbie pulled out a cigarette as Stacey and Dawn’s tent fell apart behind her. She rolled her eyes.</p><p>***</p><p>Debbie stood in the bright sun smoking a cigarette, wishing she were anywhere else but sweating in the desert. Her blue denim shirt pulled up and tied around her waist, exposed a scant amount of her bare midriff. Her white shorts were still bright and clean, even with all the dirt and dust flying about.</p><p>
  <em>Couldn’t have been the fucking spa Ruth? Really? Look at her over there harassing grown ass women about day drinking. Why do I like her? On paper, she is the last person I would want to be friends with, and yet, every part of me wants to be close to her. Every part of me wants her to myself. Look at her getting all excited about a hike. Seems like no one wants to go. Who could blame them? Six fucking miles.</em>
</p><p>Debbie walked over and stood in front of Ruth and Rhonda.</p><p>“If you don’t want to hike, you can hang back and start dinner or make a fire. This isn’t a dictatorship,” Ruth said.</p><p>
  <em>Ugh, Ruth. Stop trying to be diplomatic and say what you are feeling. It’s okay for some people to think you’re a bitch. Trust me. And then there’s fucking Rhonda. Bash’s red-headed spy. Fuck.</em>
</p><p>“Unless you’re going to start telling us what to do now,” Debbie said to Rhonda with her signature brand of cool disdain.</p><p>Rhonda’s face dropped instantly, and she shook her head.</p><p> “Uh, I’ll just stay and make a fire,” Rhonda said, to Ruth looking deflated.</p><p>
  <em>Don’t expect me to feel bad. That’s what she gets for being associated with that asshat.</em>
</p><p>Carmen walked over. “Rhonda, I’ll go get firewood with you.”</p><p>Rhonda and Carmen walked off. Debbie just shook her head.</p><p>
  <em>No regrets.</em>
</p><p>“Cher?” Ruth asked Cherry. Cherry responded “no” with a shrug and walked off with Rhonda and Carmen to gather firewood.</p><p>Arthie and Yolanda ran over to the food table and grabbed what they could before they ran off.  </p><p>“I saw that,” Ruth said to them with a smirk.</p><p>Debbie looked up and realized that she was standing with Ruth, Reggie, and Sheila.</p><p>
  <em>Fuck. I need to talk to Ruth but come on. We are quite the foursome.</em>
</p><p> “And then there were four,” Sheila said, in her low monotone voice.</p><p>Ruth turned to Debbie and smiled cautiously.</p><p>“Are you gonna hike?” Ruth asked, surprised.</p><p>“Yeah, I need the exercise, and you know, one last hurrah before I pack it in,” Debbie said, knowing the impact of her words. She hoped uttering them casually would cause less drama from Ruth.</p><p> “Pack what in?” Ruth asked, grinning cheerfully.</p><p>
  <em>Fuck. Just rip the band aid off quickly. I can’t stare into her naive eyes and see the disappointment creep in. Just get it over with quickly. She needs you to be honest.</em>
</p><p>“Um, I can’t do a whole year in Vegas, so I’m gonna go home to Randy and collect my checks. Bash wants this show to himself; he can have it.”</p><p>Debbie could see the exact moment the news of her departure hit Ruth’s heart. Her face fell.</p><p>
  <em>Oh God. Look at her face. Damn it, Ruth. Stop looking so upset. It causes me pain to see you in pain. Yes, I got super high on cocaine and almost ripped your foot off, but this is different. I don’t want to break your heart. Shit. I want to reach out and hug you, but I just can’t. I refuse to show emotion in front of the others.</em>
</p><p>***</p><p>The six-mile sport hike was more than Debbie bargained for, but she appreciated having the extra time together with Ruth. The dirt and dust were not exactly the most relaxing backdrop to their day, but watching Ruth be happy was one of the last memories she wanted to take with her before she left for Pasadena. It was just a shame that Debbie’s news wiped the smile from Ruth’s face.</p><p>As they walked side by side along the trail, Debbie could feel Ruth’s sadness weighing down each one of her steps.</p><p>
  <em>I hate that this is making you sad, but I don’t have a choice. I don’t want to leave GLOW and I don’t want to lose you, but Randy needs me, and Bash is a dick. I hate that I’m the one who took your smile away.</em>
</p><p>“So-that’s it. You’re done?” Ruth asked.</p><p>“Oh, Ruth, I’m not going to commute for an entire year of Randy’s life. He’s not gonna know who I am.”</p><p>“Come on. You’ve been doing so great. You’re like a superhero flying back and forth,” Ruth said, trying to sound positive.</p><p>
  <em>Who are you kidding? I barely see my kid and with this travel schedule, I’m scatterbrained as fuck. This is no way to live.</em>
</p><p>“You know I missed him walking? I’m missing everything.”</p><p>“So, do fewer shows. I can cover Liberty Bell, and Sheila can do Zoya on your off nights.”</p><p>“No, it was a crazy plan to begin with, and Mark went with it because he owes me for the rest of his natural life.”</p><p>Ruth nodded. Debbie had never seen Ruth look so defeated.</p><p>
  <em>I don’t think you looked this upset when I came to the gym and called you out for cheating with Mark. Look at you.</em>
</p><p>Debbie continued. “But, uh, you know, he’s not gonna roll with this schedule for a full year. And, you know, I don’t want to ask him, because I need some goodwill on reserve for ten years down the line when I get a movie in Japan and I don’t know, I want to put Randy in school there.”</p><p>Ruth continued to walk, just ahead of Debbie.</p><p>
  <em>This is crushing me, but I have no choice. I need to go back to Pasadena and be with Randy. I need to quit GLOW and get as far away from fucking Bash as humanly possible. I need to go, but I wish I didn’t have to. I wish I could just tell you, but you’d probably try to console me and get all weird and I can’t fucking deal with that. This is already too hard.</em>
</p><p>“Oh, my God! I just hate all of them.” Debbie said, raging just a little. She closed her eyes and clenched her fists.</p><p>Ruth turned around to face Debbie.</p><p>“You hate the Japanese?” Ruth asked, confused.</p><p>Debbie could feel a rush of emotion surging through her. She felt like she was halfway between screaming at the top of her lungs and collapsing in tears.</p><p>“Men. I, uh, hate men. Mark, Bash. Even when I’m fucking the cute young ones, I just-I’d like to take my hand and just, pfft, crunch their face into the pillow, just hard because they are just-free.” Debbie exhaled sharply and threw her hands into the air.</p><p>Ruth wandered over to some desert brush and searched through it. Debbie continued.</p><p>“They make the choices. They dictate the terms and I just hate asking them for anything.”</p><p>Debbie looked up and found Ruth squatting down low with her backside facing the brush she was just looking through.</p><p>“What’s going--what are you doing? Are you trying to find a place to pee?”</p><p>Debbie’s face contorted into bewildered confusion.</p><p>
  <em>How do I feel so much for you when you are so absurd? What is this? Why are you acting like such a weirdo?”</em>
</p><p>Ruth stood up a little and smiled.</p><p>“No, I need a walking stick.”</p><p>
  <em>The fuck?</em>
</p><p>“Well, we’re in the desert, not the woods. You’re not gonna find a stick,” Debbie said, trying desperately not to be a bitch to Ruth. She rubbed her neck and hoped Ruth would just pull her shit together and listen.</p><p>Suddenly, Ruth pulled a stick out from the bottom of the brush and celebrated.</p><p>“Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-oh!” Ruth exclaimed proudly.</p><p>Debbie and Ruth both chuckled.</p><p>Ruth held the stick over her head, celebrating her minor victory.</p><p>
  <em>How are you so adorably dorky? I want to hug you. I want to hold you in my arms. What the fuck is wrong with me? I wonder what it would be like to kiss you softly. Ugh. I hate myself so much right now. I need to get a grip and suppress all these feelings.</em>
</p><p>Ruth sauntered over to Debbie, grinning proudly.</p><p>“You don’t find a walking stick. It finds you.”</p><p>Ruth took in a deep breath and clicked her tongue.</p><p>Debbie looked off into the distance.</p><p>“Where are, uh, Reggie and Sheila?” She asked, concerned. “Where are we? Let me see the map for one second.”</p><p>Ruth turned back to Debbie.</p><p>“Oh, they have the map.”</p><p>Debbie narrowed her gaze.</p><p>
  <em>Come on, Ruth. If we get lost out here-well-fuck it! I guess it buys me a little more alone time with you away from the others.</em>
</p><p>“What?” Ruth said, immediately on the defensive. “Trail leader gets the map. I—I’m sure if we keep going, we’ll bump into them,” Ruth said, with a tiny smile.</p><p>
  <em>You look like you’re not very disappointed either. Are you just trying to make me feel better?</em>
</p><p>“And if not, we’ll let the stars guide us,” Ruth said, looking to the sky and taking in another deep breath.</p><p>Debbie’s face contorted a little. She had to hold back a smile.</p><p>
  <em>I’m not encouraging your bad behavior.</em>
</p><p>“You’ve never been camping, have you?”</p><p>Ruth smiled a little more. Debbie’s heart fluttered wildly.</p><p>
  <em>What is happening to me? She got us lost, or at least abandoned by Reggie and Sheila, all for the sake of a damn walking stick. Still, as annoyed as I am, I can’t help but picture grabbing the collar of her green vest and yanking her closer. All I can see is me holding her waist and pressing my lips to hers, softly at first and then hard. Anything to put out this damn fire. Fuck.</em>
</p><p>“We spent summers at Lake Okoboji,” Ruth said, trying in vain to earn some street cred. “There were cabins,” she said, as she walked away.</p><p>Debbie rolled her eyes.</p><p>***</p><p>The sun was setting fast on the desert when Debbie and Ruth walked along an unmarked part of the desert surrounded by nothing but rocks and more desert brush.</p><p>Ruth threw her hands up excitedly.</p><p>“Oh, I think I found a trail marker!” She said.</p><p>“You said that last time,” Debbie said, sounding more irritated and exhausted than usual.</p><p>“No. This is definitely more than a random piling of rocks,” Ruth said, pointing to what looked like a random piling of rocks to Debbie.</p><p>
  <em>I’m tired, I’m hungry, and I can’t seem to muster the courage to say a goddamn thing to you about how I’m feeling.</em>
</p><p>Ruth pointed forward. “Okay. Let’s go this way.”</p><p>They immediately came upon a rock face that prevented them from proceeding in the direction Ruth suggested.</p><p>“Let’s try the other direction,” she said, trying to sound positive. “Don’t worry. As long as we make it back before it gets dark, we’ll be fine.”</p><p>
  <em>I should be angrier, but she is cute when she thinks I’m about ready to kill her.</em>
</p><p>“What happened to ‘the stars will guide us’?”</p><p>***</p><p>
  <strong>"Alone", By Heart</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong> <a href="https://open.spotify.com/track/54b8qPFqYqIndfdxiLApea?si=DfcQZi9fQ6-UiRflt3G3Ag">https://open.spotify.com/track/54b8qPFqYqIndfdxiLApea?si=6NkH74ZyQD--fR-oNWAOqA</a> </strong>
</p><p>Night fell quickly, and a bitter chill blanketed the desert. Debbie and Ruth stayed close together as they walked along the trail.</p><p>“Well, Ruth, you are finally going to get your wish. We’re gonna die together.”</p><p>
  <em>I find your undying and absurdly genuine dedication to me endearing. I fucking hate that I’m cold, hungry, sweaty, dirty, and lost, but there is no one I would rather be lost with than you. Oh My God. I could never actually say that to you out loud. It would go straight to your head and you would probably get all teary and weird about it. How do you feel so much? It drives me crazy.</em>
</p><p>Ruth threw down her walking stick in frustration and sat down on a rock. Debbie sat down beside her. The rock was just big enough for the two of them to sit. They sat shoulder to shoulder, pressing together for warmth.</p><p>
  <em>You’re frustrated. You threw your silly stick down and lost all your energy and excitement. I like this version of you. Not all the time, but I need exhausted and slightly bitter Ruth. Not fucking cheerleader Ruth.</em>
</p><p>“Debbie Eagan, 32, found near a cluster of rocks. She was best known for playing Laura Morgan on Paradise Cove, but you may also remember her as the woman who was bitchy to Linda Evans in a jewelry store on <em>Dynasty. </em>In an attempt to restart her career, she played a wrestler on a short-lived TV show <em>GLOW, </em>which ultimately flamed out on the Vegas stage. A fledgling producer who never had a project of her own. She is survived by um-her mother, uh… her son, Randy, her ex-husband, Mark, um-his secretary, Susan, and many adoring valets.”</p><p>“If we died right now, my obituary would be: ‘Soap Star and unidentified Woman Dead–in National Park.”</p><p>Debbie chuckled sadly.</p><p>
  <em>If anything ever happened to you, I don’t know how I would cope.</em>
</p><p>“No, well, at least Russell would throw you a great funeral. He’d cut together a well-edited, adorable tribute montage,” Debbie said, before Ruth interrupted her.</p><p>“Sam told me he’s in love with me,” Ruth blurted out.</p><p>Debbie choked just a little.</p><p>
  <em>What in the actual fuck? What the fuck is up with all these porn-stached assholes sniffing around Ruth. He’s twice her age, hopped up on cocaine twenty-four-seven, mean as shit to her almost one hundred percent of the time, and smells like if bad breath had two legs and could walk around like a man. What the fuck? Stay calm.</em>
</p><p>“Okay, you’re gonna have to tell me how you feel about that, because I can’t see your face in the dark.”</p><p>“I don’t know,” Ruth said.</p><p>
  <em>What the actual fuck? I need alcohol right now. I need a valet now. I need something to dull this fucking pain right now. First Russell and now Sam?</em>
</p><p>“Okay, here are some choices.”</p><p>“A: Happy, B: Scared, C: Excited, D: Repulsed.”</p><p>
  <em>Please let it be D. Please, for the love of God, please let it just be D.”</em>
</p><p>“B and E.”</p><p>“E? There was no E.,” Debbie said, scratching her head.</p><p>“I needed to add one. Confused. E is confused.”</p><p>“Why?”</p><p>“Sam is a mentor. Sam is old enough to be my father. Sam has that-what do you call it?”</p><p>“Pornstache.”</p><p>“Exactly. I mean he’s a total jerk to me, has made my life a living hell, yells at me more than he talks to me and suddenly, he tells me he is in love with me.”</p><p>“You have feelings. That’s good.”</p><p>
  <em>So, not D, but more promising than A or C.”</em>
</p><p>“But, you like him?”</p><p>“I never thought of him that way. We have our moments when we connect and things have been better, but I have super intense feelings for someone else and that is confusing me. I can’t think about any of that right now.”</p><p><em>Super intense feelings?</em> <em>Fucking Russell. I’d like to suplex that creeper.</em></p><p>“Okay, well what are you gonna do about it?”</p><p>“I don’t know. I thought I wanted a job and a boyfriend. Now I have a job till the end of the year and a boyfriend, and somehow, I feel lost,” Ruth said, with a shiver.</p><p>She looked over at Debbie, her eyes saying more than her words. Debbie wrapped an arm around Ruth and pulled her close. She rubbed her arm to give her a little warmth.</p><p>
  <em>Don’t let her see what you’re feeling. It would never work between us, but she feels so good. She’s so soft and sweet. Stop thinking like that. Be normal. Say something normal. </em>
</p><p>“Well, maybe you feel lost because you’re holding yourself back from something you want.”</p><p>
  <em>Okay, that was NOT normal or subtle. Wow. Why didn’t you just say she feels lost because she wants to kiss your mouth and flying crossbody you onto her bed? Ugh. Russell is who she wants. Fine. Be with him. You’re too emotional for me, anyway. But your mouth is so adorable. It’s small and sweet, and I can only imagine how soft your lips are. Concentrate Debbie.</em>
</p><p>“Maybe I am, but I don’t think it’s Sam,” Ruth said, with a subdued chuckle. “This is gonna be super awkward, isn’t it?”</p><p>“Insanely awkward,” Debbie said, trying not to relish her turning Sam down too much.</p><p>
  <em>Russell the porn camera man is still who you think about at night and who you want to kiss, but at least he’s your age. Sam. Ugh. I’d be sick if I had anything left in my stomach. I’m so fucking hungry.</em>
</p><p>“Shit,” Ruth said, holding her face in her hand.</p><p>“I mean, what the hell do I know? I don’t even know how to be a producer which is technically the job title that I fought for, that Bash has basically rendered meaningless. So, at least if I go home to Randy, he’ll need me.”</p><p>Ruth tensed at the sound of Randy’s name.</p><p>“You know, I think I avoid talking about Randy. It’s this whole part of your life I never want to touch, because he’s this connection you have to Mark that will tie you two together forever and it um-I want-I don’t know. I’m not making any sense. Listen, why don’t you bring Randy to Vegas? You want to work, and you want to be with your kid. I don’t know how to solve any of the other problems, but that’s a start.”</p><p>“Right, because it’s such a great place for children.”</p><p>They both chuckled, and Ruth scooted a little closer to Debbie.</p><p>“He would probably like the flashing lights. And the noise. There’s a pool. And Jell-O at the buffet.”</p><p>They both laughed harder.</p><p>“What about you? Are you okay?” Ruth asked Debbie.</p><p>“Yep. Peachy. I have an ex-husband, his lovely secretary, a stable of meaningless valets, and I’m still walking funny after my run-in with Steel Horse.”</p><p>“But what about your heart?”</p><p>“What heart?” Debbie said with a sad chuckle. “Ask anyone, Debbie Eagan is a heartless bitch. Besides, Liberty Belle needs no man. I fight for America,” Debbie said, in her best Liberty Belle accent.</p><p>“I want you to be happy. I want you to find someone who will take care of you, be loyal to you, protect you, and make you feel safe.”</p><p>
  <em>You just described yourself. Isn’t that the kicker? You cheated with my fucking husband, and still my stupid heart trusts you. It still wants you here, next to me always. I am broken. So fucking broken.</em>
</p><p>“I think we’re both a little lost. Ha! Literally and figuratively! We’re gonna die here. Come on, we should try to fight for our survival. Mark can’t raise Randy with fucking Susan.”</p><p>Debbie still had her arm wrapped around Ruth tight.</p><p>Ruth scooted closer to Debbie and looked up at the stars. She grabbed Debbie’s hand and wrapped it around her body a little tighter.</p><p>“Can we stay here for a just a little while longer?”</p><p>
  <em>I want to stay here. We are freezing our asses off and I am sure bugs are trying to murder me one bite at a time, but holding you in my arms feels amazing and I don’t know if I will ever have the opportunity to do this again.</em>
</p><p>“Um-sure. You cold?”</p><p>“I just feel a little less lost when you’re with me. I’m trying to appreciate it while I can just in case you decide that you won’t stay for the rest of the year.”</p><p>Suddenly, they heard twigs snap.</p><p>Debbie scrambled.</p><p>“Oh, my God! Is that a mountain lion?”</p><p>Ruth leapt up and stood in front of Debbie. Debbie stood behind Ruth and grinned.</p><p>
  <em>You’re adorable, and you will definitely be eaten. You’re like a mountain lion appetizer.</em>
</p><p>“Are there mountain lions in the desert?” Ruth asked, trying to block Debbie’s body from harm.</p><p>Suddenly, a desert cottontail rabbit jumped out from the brush and landed in front of Ruth.</p><p>Debbie exploded into hysterical laughter.</p><p>“My hero! Thank God you were here,” Debbie said, wiping tears from her eyes.</p><p>Ruth shook off her embarrassment and grinned just a little.</p><p>“Hey, I risked being eaten for you,” Ruth said, with a sad smile.</p><p>Debbie stood in front of Ruth and stopped laughing. Her face softened, and she gave her a tender smile. She caressed Ruth’s cheek.</p><p>“I’m sorry. Thanks for saving me from the scary wabbit.”</p><p>Ruth giggled and laid her hand over Debbie’s on her cheek.</p><p>“We need to get you back to camp right now.”</p><p>“Why?” Debbie asked.</p><p>“You’re being really nice and kind of weird. I wonder if you’re suffering from dehydration or heat stroke.” Ruth beamed.</p><p>
  <em>Shit. I overstepped. Fuck. You’re showing too much.</em>
</p><p>Debbie pulled her hand back, dropped it to her side, and took a step back. Her body tensed and she turned away.</p><p>
  <em>Thank God, it’s too dark for her to see my face. I must be blushing so hard.</em>
</p><p>“We should go. Come on. Find another pile of fucking rocks. I need to sleep.”</p><p>Debbie starting walking away before Ruth could react.</p><p>***</p><p>Debbie and Ruth limped back to camp after everyone else had gone to bed. Cherry stayed awake just long enough to confirm she didn’t need to call the park ranger and send out a search party.</p><p>“Glad you two aren’t dead. Everyone’s full up. You’re bunking together. Good night.”</p><p>Debbie averted her eyes, concerned with what Cherry might be thinking.</p><p>***</p><p>Debbie laid in her tent, stiff as a board. She pulled her sleeping bag up and held her breath, enveloped in a full-on gay panic. She could hear Ruth outside with Sheila. Debbie chose to get ready for bed, leaving Ruth to her own devices. She hoped sleep would overtake her before Ruth joined her in the tent, but she was far too nervous to sleep.</p><p>“Knock knock,” Ruth whispered as she unzipped the tent.</p><p>“It’s a fucking tent, Ruth. Stop being cute,” Debbie said with a biting tone.</p><p>Ruth climbed into the tent and zipped up the entrance.</p><p>“Hey, sorry. I didn’t know if you’d still be awake.”</p><p>“You and Sheila were screaming out there. The whole damn camp is awake. What the hell was going on?”</p><p>
  <em>God, why is my tone so bitchy? I don’t want to be this mean. You’re embarrassed, Debbie. You tried to be soft with Ruth and she called you weird. Move the fuck on.</em>
</p><p> “I’m sorry we were loud and I’m sorry you got stuck with me.”</p><p>“It’s fine. Just lay down and go to sleep.”</p><p>Ruth laid down next to Debbie. The tent was plenty big for two people, but with all their gear, it was tight. Ruth pressed her body up against Debbie’s slightly. Their shoulders touched. Debbie yanked it away, refusing to succumb to her secret and embarrassing desires.</p><p>Ruth laid flat on her back. Debbie could sense she was just as stiff and breathless.</p><p>“Do you want to hear about Sheila?” Ruth whispered.</p><p>“Fine. If it will shut you up and let me get some sleep.”</p><p>“She burned her clothes and her wig.”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“She burned it. She literally stripped down in front of the campfire and is sporting blonde hair.”</p><p>Debbie sat up a little. She was too shocked to worry about the longing she was feeling for Ruth.</p><p>“Are you serious? Why?”</p><p>“I asked her. She said that it was getting in the way of what she wanted. She seemed so free, tossing her costume into the fire. If only all of us could break free of the shackles that keep us from being genuinely happy.”</p><p>
  <em>Are you fucking kidding me right now? That’s a little on the nose.</em>
</p><p>“Good for her.”</p><p>Debbie tried to breathe, but her body was still betraying her.</p><p>A deafening silence fell over them. Just as Debbie was about to say good night, Ruth began to babble.</p><p>“Have you ever noticed how sexual wrestling moves sound? I mean we’re already half naked and rolling around on the ground together and then we have to perform moves like ‘body scissors’, ‘head scissors’ and ‘pile drivers.’ I swear everything we do in the ring sounds like porn.”</p><p>
  <em>Jesus Ruth. This is not helping. Let’s definitely not talk about scissoring.”</em>
</p><p>Ruth continued.</p><p>“I mean, when you pound me into the corner and rub your crotch in my face, I know we aren’t performing Shakespeare, but wow. Although, there is no one I would rather body scissor than you,” Ruth said, with a giggle and a playful jab of her elbow.</p><p>
  <em>I need to crawl out of this fucking tent. Fuck. I’ll walk back to the Fan Tan. Maybe I’ll just keep walking all the way back to LA.</em>
</p><p>“I’m sorry I’m rambling on,” Ruth said, softer. “I’m just nervous.”</p><p>
  <em>Why would you be nervous? Are you feeling what I’m feeling?</em>
</p><p>“Why are you nervous?”</p><p>“I have no idea,” Ruth said, with a genuine laugh.</p><p>“And you called me weird,” Debbie said, letting some of her anxiety show.</p><p>Ruth turned to Debbie and placed a hand over Debbie’s where it rested on her stomach.</p><p>“Debbie, I’m sorry I said you were being weird. I didn’t mean it that way, and I definitely didn’t mean to upset you.”</p><p>“I’m not upset,” Debbie said, lying through her teeth.</p><p>Ruth stared at Debbie. Debbie looked up at the roof of the tent. She could feel Ruth’s eyes boring into her.</p><p>“Bullshit,” Ruth said with a smirk.</p><p>“Forget it, Ruth. Close your eyes, shut your fucking mouth, and go to bed.”</p><p>“Fine,” Ruth said, laying on her back. Her hand landed by her side next to Debbie’s. Their fingers touched just a little. Debbie could feel a surge of electricity flowing through her entire body.</p><p>Ruth closed her eyes, but Debbie could feel the tension pressing down on them both.</p><p>“I’m sorry. I’m just tired and stressed out. I didn’t mean to snap at you.”</p><p>Ruth turned around and faced away. Debbie let out a sharp, uncomfortable sigh.</p><p>
  <strong>"Total Eclipse Of The Heart", by Bonnie Tyler</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong> <a href="https://open.spotify.com/track/2F2Eaf5kDi09KoO8Oy5qNb?si=7Tf0k1iKRHi3tY8gvNdyTQ">https://open.spotify.com/track/2F2Eaf5kDi09KoO8Oy5qNb?si=XXnUIh7ARnyzYYXg2XqFZA</a> </strong>
</p><p>
  <em>Fuck. I really know how to fuck things up, don’t I? The problem with you, Ruth, is that you make me feel too much.</em>
</p><p>“Don’t go. I don’t want you to go,” Ruth whispered.</p><p>“The next nine months will fly by. You will wrestle, you’ll have conjugal visits with pornstache, and you’ll navigate the strange world of Grandpa having a crush on you. Fun,” Debbie said, with a chipper tone.</p><p>Debbie’s attempt at levity failed. Ruth was silent. Debbie turned around and faced away from Ruth. Her heart ached to tell Ruth how she was feeling. She long desperately to tell her how much she would miss her. She wanted to tell her that her strange affection slash constant irritation for Ruth stemmed from the fact that she was emotionally fucked up and probably could never express her feelings in a healthy way.</p><p>Debbie moved backward slightly so her back pressed against Ruth’s. She laid there for a moment, taking in the warmth and comfort of Ruth’s body heat.</p><p>“I’m breaking up with Russell when we get back to the Fan Tan,” Ruth whispered.</p><p>Debbie held her breath.</p><p>“I’m confused. If Russell is who you love, then why are you breaking up with him?”</p><p>“What do you mean?”</p><p>“You said, you have super intense feelings for someone. I can only assume it’s pornstache.”</p><p>“It isn’t,” Ruth whispered so softly, Debbie could barely hear.</p><p>
  <em>There is no way. She can’t possibly. Don’t bother dreaming about it.</em>
</p><p>“Is it anyone I know?” Debbie asked, testing the waters.</p><p>“Please don’t go,” Ruth whispered even softer. “I don’t want to lose you.”</p><p>“Ruth, you will never lose me. You cheated with Mark and still we got through it. Like it or not, you and I are destined to be together one way or another.”</p><p>“It’s you,” Ruth whispered even softer. It was barely audible. If Debbie hadn’t been listening so intently, she never would have heard the words.</p><p>
  <em>Did she just say-no, it can’t be?</em>
</p><p>“What’s me?” Debbie said, purposely obtuse.</p><p>“Please don’t make me repeat it,” Ruth said.</p><p>“Please, Ruth. I’m sorry. Just tell me.”</p><p>“You’re the one I have intense feelings for. I can’t say I fully understand them, but I know that when I think about you leaving, it makes my heart split in two. When I think of not seeing you every day, I can’t bear it.”</p><p>“What kind of intense feelings?” Debbie asked.</p><p>
  <em>I wonder if they are the same feelings I’ve been having. Do you imagine what it would be like to kiss me? Do you want to turn around and kiss me until we have no breath left in our bodies?</em>
</p><p>“Debbie, before all the Mark stuff happened, you and I were so close. It was strange. I felt like I had met my soulmate and then I fucked everything up.”</p><p>“If you felt like I was your soulmate, why did you fuck Mark?”</p><p>“I don’t know. I guess maybe it was my weird way of deflecting the feelings for you I wasn’t prepared to have.”</p><p>“What were those feelings?”</p><p>“I can’t do this. Never mind. Just forget I said anything,” Ruth said, pulling away.</p><p>
  <em>Fuck. I pushed too hard. She’s freaking out. Maybe she really feels the way I feel. How am I going to fix this?</em>
</p><p>Debbie turned around and placed her hand on Ruth’s back. Her body felt stiff as a board.</p><p>“Ruth?”</p><p>“You were right. It’s been a long day and we need to sleep. Good night, Debbie.”</p><p>Debbie let out a deep sigh. She scooted her body closer to Ruth and pressed her body up against her back. She wrapped a single arm over Ruth’s body. Her skin felt ice cold.</p><p>“Ruth, please. Me too.”</p><p>Debbie held her breath in terror, waiting for Ruth to acknowledge what she just said.</p><p>“Me too? What do you mean?” Ruth asked still turned away. Her body seemed to relax a little.</p><p>“I mean-me too.” Debbie wrapped her arm around her tighter and pressed her face to Ruth’s neck.</p><p>“Do you know what I am trying to say, Debbie? You may be agreeing to something you don’t fully comprehend.”</p><p>“Okay, so we’re playing a game of emotional chicken. Fine. You slept with my fucking husband. Anyone else on this planet would be dead by now, or at least dead to me. I think about you all the time. Like a fucking absurd amount of the time. When we’re not together, I miss you. I mean, I don’t miss your overzealous optimism or your can-do attitude, but I miss you. When we are together, I want to make sure you are feeling warm and safe. You betrayed me more than anyone else I’ve ever known, but I think I might be in love with you.”</p><p>Ruth wrapped both of her hands around Debbie’s hand and pressed it close to her body.</p><p>“I think I’m in love with you too, Debbie. I know it’s out of left field considering I have a boyfriend and an admirer who comes with his own AARP card. I don’t know. I guess I’ve always known.”</p><p>“Same here. I still remember that first terrible day in scene study class when I was paired with that sloth woman who enunciated every word at excruciatingly slow speed. I looked over at you and saw you laughing at me. Not her. You saw my face, and you just knew what I was thinking. I think I may have loved you a little then. I also thought you needed a fucking stylist.”</p><p>“Always with the compliments. Careful, they’ll go to me head.”</p><p>They both laughed.</p><p>Ruth turned around and faced Debbie. Their faces were only inches apart. Ruth placed a hand on Debbie’s cheek and smiled.</p><p>“Cut it out weirdo,” Debbie said to Ruth.</p><p>Ruth smiled and caressed Debbie’s cheek.</p><p>“You are my soulmate. I’ve always known it. Sorry about Mark.”</p><p>“Sorry I snapped your ankle when I was super high on Sam’s fucked up cocaine.”</p><p>“Wait, what?”</p><p>“I didn’t mean to hurt you. I was just so high. I didn’t want to get fired, so I stayed quiet.”</p><p>“Oddly, I feel better.”</p><p>“So, you think you’re in love with me?” Debbie said, with a proud smirk.</p><p>“I mean, you probably could be nicer to me.”</p><p>“Hey, don’t push your luck,” Debbie said with a little chuckle.</p><p>“Debbie, I want to kiss you, but I really need to break up with Russell.”</p><p>“Oh, learned your lesson about cheating, did you?” Debbie asked, still playful. “I understand.”</p><p>“But as long as we keep it friendly, it should be fine.”</p><p>Debbie smiled.</p><p>
  <em>I want to kiss you so badly, Ruth. I want to fucking kiss you and I don’t care what the pornstaches think about it.</em>
</p><p>Ruth moved closer to Debbie and kissed her cheek softly. She moved her hand down from her cheek to her neck and held on.</p><p>Debbie kissed Ruth’s cheek and her forehead.</p><p>“You know, I’m freezing. Maybe we could huddle for warmth. Just warmth,” Ruth whispered softly. Her breath tickling Debbie’s cheek.</p><p>“Okay,” Debbie said, opening her arms and wrapping them around Ruth tight. She kissed the top of her head and smiled. Ruth buried her face in Debbie’s neck and laid a hand on her chest. Debbie pulled the sleeping bag around them and closed her eyes.</p><p>“Is this enough?” Ruth whispered.</p><p>Debbie grinned and squeezed Ruth tighter. Her eyes popped open.</p><p>“Shut the fuck up and go to bed. The faster we sleep, the faster the sun will rise, we will leave, you will go back to the Fan Tan, call pornstache, tell him you’re through, and kiss me until neither of us can breathe.”</p><p>Ruth grinned and rubbed Debbie’s chest.</p><p>“Okay,” Ruth said. “Sweet dreams.”</p><p>Debbie let out a deep contented sigh.</p><p>Ruth’s body felt a little heavier on Debbie’s as she relaxed more.</p><p>Debbie interlaced her fingers with Ruth’s.</p><p>“Friends hold hands,” Debbie said.</p><p>“Definitely,” Ruth replied with a little smile. “I hold hands with all of my friends.”</p><p>
  <em>Having you wrapped in my arms is like heaven. I don’t feel lost anymore. I don’t think you do either. You’re so soft and warm. You smell amazing. We spent all day in the hot sweaty desert, and you smell incredible.</em>
</p><p>“Ruth.”</p><p>“Yeah,” Ruth whispered.</p><p>“This isn’t just enough. It’s perfect.”</p><p>Ruth popped her head up and smiled at Debbie. Debbie opened her eyes and shook her head when she saw Ruth’s cheerful face.</p><p>“Aww. You do love me,” Ruth said.</p><p>“Ugh. I knew it. This is what I get for being romantic.” Debbie grinned. “Yes. I love you and this is magic. Now sleep,” Debbie said, in a flat, authoritative tone. She kissed Ruth’s forehead and closed her eyes once more.</p><p>Ruth laid her head back down on Debbie’s chest, her breath slowing contentedly. They both fell into a deep relaxing slumber within seconds and, before they knew it, it was morning.</p><p>
  <strong>"Hold Me", by Fleetwood Mac</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong> <a href="https://open.spotify.com/track/4kRMsLX7bJqjIfK44qJ9h6?si=2fReeqKHTzWW0tye-ovcsA">https://open.spotify.com/track/4kRMsLX7bJqjIfK44qJ9h6?si=7Zxav9RkQtGp_DdlFnqngA</a> </strong>
</p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
</body>
</html>